Day 2 didn't go so hot.

Mr. Stinky clearly had big emotions over the orphanage video. When Arleta was trying to talk to him he turned in to a raging lunatic. She told us he is not as healthy as we think he is and he does a very good job of making us think he is healthier than he is.

It is a little disheartening for me because he was the one I was able to devote a lot of attachment time to when he first came home. I did it like textbook and it still didn't work because he lived in the orphanage of the first 11-months of his life and his brain has been hardwired. I am realizing that even though my kids are making progress this will be a life long time of retraining their brains. Neglect and trauma suck!

The other two got with the program a little better today and talked about their feelings.

It was great to go back!

Day 1 Sept. 17th. 

Back to Cleveland that is.

We decided more is better this year so we are seeing our therapist for the second time and we are planning a third trip in November. Mr. Stinky and Mr. Screech seemed to have come a long way, but Mr. Happy is holding on to his mad and sad and not wanting to talk about it. I love to sit down with Arleta to talk about how the boys are doing because we really see how far they are progressing and what still needs to be worked on. Sometimes in the day to day it is doom and gloom when they are not "perfect."

Arleta started by running a new neurofeedback protocol to help Mr. Happy’s brain get unstuck in the trauma of the orphanage and then we listened to nice songs while he sat on my lap and looked in my eyes. When it was his turn to talk about his story he was tight lipped so she called in Mr. Screech. As soon as he came in, the door of her office, he sat hard on his butt and started a tantrum. She reminded him that his tantrums do not work and he regulated himself pretty quick, but stayed sitting on the floor. We told her Mr. Stinky wanted to go first today so he could stop stressing (he has performance anxiety) about talking to her so she called him in. He did a great job talking to her and did not throw one fit.

To engage the other two, Arleta went into some therapy using little people and placed a mama and papa people together. Then she had each of the boy hold their person and place it in various spots based on where they were "in the family" and that was based on how they were acting. She also went through their birthstories and acted them out with the little people. The boys liked it and were able to engage.

Mr. Screech and Mr. Happy are stuck mentally in the orphanage and Mr. Stinky is verbalizing all of his mad towards his birthmom, but Arleta is helping him connect that some of his mad is from living in the orphanage too. When babies are neglected they get mad and then the made gets stuck in them and comes out explosively over something little. To help give them visuals she had them watch video clips of babies/toddlers in the orphanage. This is the second time our boys have seen this video and they did a lot better this time focusing on the video. Last time, they would try and do something else instead of looking at the screen. Mr. Happy still tried to engage Arleta’s dog or pick at his pants or shoes. Shoes can be SUPER interesting when you want to avoid something painful.

This evening was very pleasant with our boys. In the past, I have feared getting kicked out of our hotel because of the raging tantrums going on.  I am LOVING the progress my family has made in the past 1-year and 8-months. To think I tried this on my own for a year and a half and we went nowhere. My kids rejected me daily and tantrumed like crazy. I did not like being a mother, but tonight was wonderful! Mr. Screech was my biggest rejecter and tonight he was my sweetest most loving of all three. If you are still struggling after months or years I beg of you to call a reputable attachment therapist so you can get your sanity back. Our therapist will see us over a weekend so it makes it very doable even though we live 6 hours away.

Last night The Mr. and I had a good talk about our own emotional wellbeing and how we need to improve to help our kids. I have wanted The Mr. to try neurofeedback to see if it would help him. He agreed, but only if I would do it too. Arleta said I need the mood stabilizer protocol and I would agree. I miss my mom so much and I have my dad’s wedding coming up in a few weeks so yeah, that would be a fabulous protocol for me. Depression sucks and I'd like to have the fog lifted.

It's a no go.

The therapist with Hospice will not be seeing my kiddos. That is fine because we just had a weekend with our therapist, and we will be seeing her again this year.

Thankfully, my dad agreed to pay for both sessions since he is hurrying us in our grief. When the financial burden is lifted it is easier to go more often.

Finally, a grief therapist

I was able to get in touch with a Hospice grief counselor today and I was giving a little background of my kids. That they have attachment issues and the loss of their grandmother is more devastating than what a bio-attached kid might feel, etc. She said she would need to talk to a supervisor before seeing my kids because "they might become attached to her."  "...I'm trained to know about attachment issues." Oh how I had to keep my mouth shut and not school her right there about attachment issues!

Uh, am I missing something here? Is she completely confused about an attachment disorder? I told her I was confused and asked how they would "become attached to her" and she said because she would be counseling them one on one. I sweetly explained that they would not be there with her by themselves. I would be there at all times.

On a good note she can see me on Monday and I'm excited because I know I have displaced anger. Recently, I've turned into a mom with a short temper and I'm quick to yell and get aggravated instead of staying calm and handling things therapeutically. Yes, I have once again lost my therapeutic panties.

Does her statement seem strange to any of you or do I not get attachment disorders?

On vacation and counting down to therapy.

We came to Florida on vacation last week and have really been having a good time RAD and all. We were only supposed to stay a week, but The Mr. got called out of town on business so I decided to stay another week with the kids. Sunny Florida sure beats being cooped up in the house because of rain and tornadoes back home.

The best part is getting to meet up with some Orlando SOUL sisters! Spent Friday at the beach with "G" and her family and it was nice to be with someone who "gets it." Tomorrow, I'm meeting with "K" and can't wait for more SOUL Sister time! I wish more of you were here.

We have 8 days until we trek to Cleveland to see our therapist and it really can't come soon enough. We have not been to see her since September so we are LONG overdue.

Mr. Screech is in full out RAD behavior.
*Everything is about him
*The world is out to get him. Always worried when his brothers get near his toys.
*He is oppositional defiant about EVERYTHING!
*He is manipulating the crap out of my friends, who he doesn't know that well.
*He is obsessing about things like missing my mom and our cat. Um, my mom I get. Our cat hides until the boys are in bed, so they don't get to play with him. Ever. What is there to miss?

We are vacationing at our friends house and yesterday, while sitting on the couch with our friend M, he told M he loved him about every 15 minutes for about 4 hours. Today, M was at work and Mr. Screech was sitting on the couch and said, "I love you M." I had a little chat with him that it was not appropriate because M is not his papa and furthermore M was not even home! Seriously!

My sister is vacationing at a nearby beach so we met her and her friend there. It was so nice to have 3 adults with 3 kids who demand attention. First off, they played with my kids in the ocean so I could just have a minute to breathe. I sat in my chair, lay my head back and just listened to the waves crash. So relaxing! At sunset all the baby stingrays came right up and we could watch them feed on the fish. It was creepy because I was IN the ocean, but so incredibly awesome once my feet were out and I could watch them.

At dinner each adult had a kid next to them and I had Mr. Stinky who is not so demanding. By the time I got done taking pictures everyone had their food in place and I didn't have to meet the demands of three kids. I almost didn't know what to do with myself so I started eating.

I had to bite my tongue all day to not nitpick my kids, but when Mr. Screech was sitting next to my sister, and then gets out of his chair so he can eat standing and leaning into her lap, and food, I had to put a stop to it. He was demanding and manipulative of her all day. I was not going to let him ruin her dinner. Geez.

Mr. Happy is very passive-aggressive-defiant. It is so weird and I just don't know how to deal with it. He has a lot of anger he needs to get out and I can't wait for our therapist to work with him, and us, to help let it out. I really need some parenting tools for this child!

Mr. Stinky is just missing his grandma, but not talking about it. We've gotta fix that in a hurry!

Come on 8 days! I am ready!

Post-Adoption Resource

I want to share what Focus on the Family is doing for families who have adopted. Check out this link and you will find counselors who are trained by Dr. Karyn Purvis (Author of The Connected Child) to talk to.

Neurofeedback

Our boys have been on neurofeedback (NF) since September 2010. Our therapist spoke to us about the benefits, we went for it, and I do not have one regret. In fact, I can't imagine life without it.

I'll admit, I did not research NF because my brain was tapped out. I had read too many therapeutic books and could not retain another drop. Our therapist talked in detail of what it was and what it does and seeing a difference in her office. She has not called the police to help her with a child in a year, not gotten hurt by a child, and their office has not been destroyed by a child and that sounded good to me, since we were having to restrain one child daily and another once or twice a week. We were worn out and ready for drastic improvements and that is what we got.

We purchased a home unit since the closest provider was an hour away and we would have to go twice a week for all three boys. With Mr. Stinky in school I didn't think that would work out.

Mr. Stinky: Improvements we have seen with Mr. Stinky would include, focus, smoother speech, better reading skills, dyslexia has gone away, ticks and clicking stopped, and less anxiety. There is a number on the screen that measures stress. A normal stress level is 7. He was around 30 when we started and back in January it came down to 15 and has stayed there. Stress level cut in half! Recently, we were having troubles with Mr. Stinky stealing repeatedly so our therapist had us do a protocol that addresses impulse behavior like stealing and overeating. No more stealing happened. It was amazing!

Mr. Screech: One of the coolest protocols for Mr. Screech made him not so screechy. In fact, it was almost comical. When I was putting the sensors on his head he would be slouched in the chair saying, "I am NOT going to play my computer game! I am NOT!!!" I would just say ok and keep on hooking him up. Half way through the protocol he was smiling and saying, "Mommy, I looooooooooove you!" This protocol literally made him happy and nice to be around. Who wouldn't want that!? Mr. Screech is also a nighttime thrasher, grunter, and screamer. His sleep has calmed significantly with NF!

Mr. Happy: Living in such a fog, I would tell him to get his shoes and point near his feet, Mr. Happy would look around and could not process what I was saying. Of course, I got frustrated, so then the more I got frustrated the more he shut down and could not process what I was saying. It was hopeless most days getting him to follow simple instructions. Running NF has taken him out of the fog and he is able to process and understand what we say. In lifting the fog, it has brought out more defiant behaviors, but I would rather that than living in the fog and never dealing with his emotional issues until later when it would be be more challenging. He is passive aggressive and a subtle "stick poker."

Every time I see someone post about behaviors of their kids and how miserable the parents are with the behaviors I want to scream NEUROFEEDBACK from the rooftops. So, if you are one of those parents I beg of  you to check it out. Not only for your sanity, but for the healing of your child.

You can watch videos here, see frequently asked questions here and find a provider here and here. If there is not a provider in your area, purchase a home unit and do it yourself. There are experts who will train you and monitor your sessions and give you protocols based on your child's needs.

If you are interested in a home use unit you can contact Ellen at EEG Spectrum and she will help you locate a professional to help you. Her number is 818-789-3456 ext. 822 or her email is evash (at) eegspectrum (dot) com . Please mention this blog post for reference.

This site lists what neurofeedback can treat:

• Severe anxiety
• Panic attacks
• Addiction
• Attention Deficit (ADD/ADHD)
• Autism
• Chronic Fatigue
• Chronic Pain
• Conduct Disorder
• Depression
• Epilepsy
• Learning Disability
• Migraines
• Peak Performance
• Post Traumatic Stress
• Sleep Disorders
• Tourette Syndrome
• Traumatic Brain Injury

Over time NF does change the brain for the better. Recently, my boys were off NF for a long stretch of time and they were fine. All the other times I have skipped a session I would start having panic attacks, because of their behavior, and RUN to the NF machine so we could have some peace and calm in our home.

An attachment therapist is needed when doing NF. Using NF can bring up feelings in your child and they will need help processing and working through them. If your therapist has never heard of NF send them this blog post and ask them to research. I believe this could be key to healing our children.

DISCLAIMER: I was not paid by anyone for this blog post. I am not an expert on neurofeedback. I am just a mom-in-the-trenches with three special needs children and I have seen the benefits in our home. If I put something incorrect in this post, I apologize.

If you are looking for a therapist...

Here are some blog posts that might help you.

Differences Between An Adoption or Foster Therapist and A General Therapist

Selecting an Adoption Therapist for Your Foster or Adopted Child