Tappin the Crap

On our second day of tapping, I started the day trying to tap with all three boys at once. It did not work because they tried covering their feelings by getting all giggly. Mr Stinky had watery eyes so I knew I was getting to him, but he could not have a full emotional release with his brothers giggling. Later, I tapped with him one on one and wow did he have another emotional release.

Instead of keeping all the positive "mom thinks  you're _____" I decided to throw in "because I'm an awesome kid. etc" It was on one of those times he broke down in tears saying, "But I don't feel that way."
 Me: "Well what do you feel, honey?"
Him: "I just feel like a big pile of garbage inside."
I started crying with him because it broke my heart so much and I told him it made me so sad to hear him say that. "Here is what I see. I see a boy who is so cute, sweet, smart, funny, and a good time to be around." He said he just doesn't feel that way. I am proud of him for voicing these feelings because he never has before.

I wanted to share some bible verses with him about what God thinks about him so we read Psalm 139:14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

I also shared that even though there is sin in this world and his birth mom decided not to parent him God still has a plan for his life. He hears his prayers and He loves him so much.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. He was so excited he got his Bible and wanted to highlight the verses. 

A friend sent me these verses and Mr. Stinky was excited to highlight them too. Isaiah 49:15 "Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! 

Psalm 27:10Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me.

Tapping for Mr. Happy
Mr. Happy wasn't so happy so I had him tap about it, but he refused so I did it for him. His eyes were so angry, and when I say angry I mean they get scary angry, but when I got done tapping for him they were full of so much sad that it broke my heart.

Tapping is helping our family so much.

What he did with pee.

I am currently singing to myself tonight. "Oh, it's what you do to me and oh what you do with pee." Sigh...

When I went to tuck Mr. Stinky into bed his blanket was all wet and then I realized his sheets were wet. I stayed calm and asked what happened. He was acting weird and saying he didn't know so I dropped it. After changing his sheets and tucking him in I went and told my husband.

It dawned on me that he probably did it when I sent him to his room earlier today. I was on the phone and he was lashing out to his brothers so I told him to go to his bed and wait for me to get off the phone so I could keep everyone safe. 

I went back to his room and linked the behavior to the feeling by saying, "Mr. Stinky, if you are mad just say I am mad! instead of peeing. I love you and goodnight sweetheart." He shouted something snarky as I left. 

I sent Lisa a text about it and she encouraged me to tap with him about it and prescribe it. Oh, the fun we have in store for us. I really hope this is short lived. 

Tapping and Healing

I heard about tapping when I went to the Orlando Retreat last year, but didn't think much of it. At this year's retreat I shared with the other moms in my house about my low self esteem and Lisa had me start tapping. I had a big emotional release that was so healing and I loved it. Shortly after coming home, I had my guys tap and say, "I am calm. I feel calm. I am calm." When we were done I saw the calm on their face and it was pretty cool.

I hadn't tapped since then and Lisa posted about an amazing teleconference with Brad Yates that is coming up on May 3rd here for parents that parent trauma. Be sure to check it out! I called Lisa because I just needed to talk and I wanted to talk a little about tapping. She inspired me to start tapping on myself and getting my boys tapping so today I started with Mr. Stinky.

Mr. Stinky has been struggling with anxiety and it is coming out in his behavior. He is snarky, and lashing out and just plain grumpy so I showed him the anxiety video from Lisa's blog and it was interesting. He was having a hard time keeping up with what Brad was saying, but there were times when he could not repeat what Brad was saying even though it was easy and then it dawned on me that it is too hard for him to verbalize the feeling. I shut the video off early and had him start tapping:

Even though I am mad I am an awesome kid. -He could not do "I am an awesome kid" and doubled over in anger saying, "I can't do it!!!" I switched it to:

Even though I am mad my mom things I am awesome. -This he could do.

Even though I am mad my mom loves me very much.

Even though I am mad my mom thinks I rock

Even though (birthmom) left me at the hospital I was a good baby.

Even though (birthmom) decided not to be my mom I was a good baby.

At this point he started crying and said he was really mad at his birth mom for leaving him at the hospital. His feelings just started pouring out of him like never before. Then he started to get mad that he was crying so I had him tap:

Even though I am crying it is ok to cry.

Even though I am crying my mom things I'm a great kid.

When we stopped I linked back for him why he does not like to cry. "As a baby, in the orphanage, you cried because you needed to be fed, changed or held and the orphanage ladies were too busy so  you think it is bad to cry now."  He said, "Wow, I didn't know it was ok to cry." I found this statement somewhat odd because we had told him and our therapist had talked to him about it in therapy. The tapping changed him and helped it really sink in.

When we were all done tapping and crying he was very loving and told me he felt so much better. He grabbed my laptop and asked me to type what he said and as I typed he put his arm around my shoulders and hung on me. This was huge because he has been very distant and resistant for a long time. This is what he said:

In 2004 January the 20th I was born. A_____, my birthmom decided not to be my mom and that was rude of her. And now that I am older I want to hurt A____ because I hurt inside. If A____ said I am so cute and all that stuff that birth moms say (about babies) and then they just leave you in the hospital until an orphanage lady comes and picks you up, that is very rude of a birth mom if they said that.

Now I am 8-years-old and it is Sunday April 22, 2012 and I am older and I am very very very angry at A___. Years have passed and I know it is not right to hurt a birth mom who left me in the orphanage. If you want to hurt a birth mom who lives far away you should not. It is on this day I did the tapping and it made me cry and I also got mad and I didn’t know tapping could do that.

Moms if your children are very angry and they don’t’ want to do their therapy and they are at home or in the hotel right by the therapist or if you are camping or if you are anywhere where you can spend the night (We travel and spend the night when we go to therapy so he is referring to when we camp overnight or stay in a hotel) you should do the tapping with your children to help them with their therapy. Me and my mom started to cry some. It is ok to cry. I just realized that today. If your children do not want to do it just say, “It is not an option you should do it.” Today I got really angry at my brothers and then my mom said to come in and we did the tapping and it helped me to feel good inside.

He asked me to print it and he was excited because there was a lot of room at the bottom for a picture. 

He drew a picture of his birth mom with him in her tummy. 

This is the most complete and best drawing of a person he has done. 

Her nose almost looks like a heart. 

He was so proud of it he ran to show his papa and then came asking me to please share it with my mom friends. He made sure I took it to our adoption support group tonight and then asked me afterwards if I shared it. I said, "Yes, and that everyone liked it and was happy he felt better." He was so happy about that and this is from a child who is VERY private and does not want anyone to know anything about him or his feelings. 

So Mama's this is advise from my 8-year-old "Get your kids to tap!" and if you need help contact me or Lisa. 

Valentine's Day

We tend to tiptoe around whenever there is a holiday because of the backlash. I decided I was going to be passive aggressive with Valentine's Day this year and it was a success!!!

When the boys woke up I had made cinnamon rolls and made sure they knew I did it because I love them.

At lunch I made sure they knew I made it because I love them.

I made a giant heart shaped cookie and I made sure they knew I did it because I love them.

My husband took them to buy me some gifts, and I set some out for them, and I made sure they knew it was because I love them.

All day long they ate junk and sweets and I made sure they knew it was because I love them.

I kept inviting the tantrums, but no one took me up on it. They went to bed and all was well on Valentines Day!

After they went to bed I panicked! I realized the next day would be HELL. ON. EARTH. So I was ready once again. I invited the tantrums ALL. DAY. LONG. and it was still a good day. Mr. Screech started to have a meltdown, but quickly used his words and said, "But I don't want Valentine's Day to be over." I clued into what he was REALLY saying and said, "Just because Valentine's Day is over does not mean  I have stopped loving you." That was what he needed to hear and we had a wonderful day! Healing is AMAZING!

Inviting the Tantrum

Mr. Screech has decided that it is his duty to get up first thing in the morning and have a tantrum. I have tried ignoring, but he started tearing things up to get my attention or making it a point to tantrum while I was eating breakfast. (I made sure they ate first thing which put me eating later.) I have tried doing what he asks and not cause a conflict, but no matter what I do he still tantrums. For example, make him the breakfast that he asked for and then he rages because it was the wrong breakfast. Seriously?!

For the past three mornings I have been getting up before my kids and as soon as he gets up I invite him to the couch to have a tantrum on my lap. He says he doesn't want to have a tantrum, but the first morning he started as soon as he got off my lap, so we went right back to the couch to get it out of his system. Yesterday and today he did not want to have one and he didn't even after getting off my lap. It has made it so we can start the day with snuggles and laughter.

Another thing about getting up before them is I am one step ahead all day long. I am able to direct them better through school and I have been telling them what toys to play with and they seem to do really well with this routine. Mr. Screech was especially lost when I would tell him to get a toy to play with so consequently he would tantrum instead of play.

A crappy moment ended well.

Our church has an indoor play area and we always let the boys play after church. I heard Mr. Screech say loudly, "Baby bottom!!!" and I found him quickly and said, "We do not call people baby bottom." I had barely gotten it out before he went into a full on meltdown rage. I was shocked and did not expect it! 

I took him to the bathroom, to remove him from the chaos, and asked him what was going on. He was still raging and throwing his fists up at me so I turned his back to me and wrapped his arms around himself in a bear hug hold. He started getting more violent so I sat on the floor (eeeewwww!!!) with my legs wrapped over his and his arms bear hugging himself.

S: Let me GO!

Me: I'll let you go when you are calm.

(Repeat a lot)

S: I hate you!

Me: That's ok. I have enough love for the both of us.

S: Let me go!

Me: I will let you go when you are calm. Pinching me is not going to make me let go. 

S: I hate you and I don't want you to be my mommy! 

Me: You don't have to like me, but the judge in Russia decided I would be your mommy so I will always be your mommy.

S: Let me go!

Me: I will let you go when you are calm. I need you to use your big boy words and tell me what is going on. Clearly you are having a very big feeling.

S screams: I am so mad at you! You are such a mean mommy.

Me: I don't understand why you are so mad at me. I told you not to call someone baby bottom.

S: (Tried to tell me what the problem was, but was screaming it so loud I could not understand.)

Me: I need you to calm down and use your big boy words.

After much dialog like this he finally calmed and I turned him around to face me. He was still mad, but finally told me that in his class Mr. Happy had broken the ship he had built twice and was still being mean to him in the play area. I told him, "Thank you for telling me so I can take care if it." I also assured him I would put them in separate classes so Mr. Happy couldn't bug him anymore.

When we were walking out of the bathroom there was a security lady standing and waiting. I think she was waiting because I'm sure someone thought I was doing him harm, but she said, "I want to give you a hug. What you are doing is hard, but you are doing such a good job. Thank you."  Holy crap! I was floored and she made me cry. 

I have stopped worrying what everyone around me thinks about my parenting, but it was so nice to get a compliment. 

Mr. Happy had neurofeedback yesterday so he is very alert and not in his dis-associative fog. When he is alert he does more stick-poking and mean things to try and project his feelings onto others. It works well, but I need to address it more. It's never ending...

Getting my homemaker mojo back!

Today, I made French baguettes, scones, truffles and rum cake and it felt so good! I love to cook and bake, but Mr. Screech has robbed me of it for the past 31/2 years. I can barely drag my butt into the kitchen to make them some half assed dinner most evenings and then when they go to bed I flop on the couch exhausted. It has gotten better over time, but today was just awesome! 

I plugged them into the tv and let them play on their own without too many issues. I stayed in my PJ's all day and got it done. I'm sure tomorrow I'll pay like crazy for it, but I'm enjoying today!

Creative Answers

We took the boys to a Mexican restaurant after church yesterday. In the kids meals you could get:
Taco with rice and beans
Burrito with rice and beans
Burrito and taco

Mr. Happy and Mr. Stinky picked a burrito with rice and beans and Mr. Screech picked burrito and taco and he knew there were no rice and beans. About a minute before the food came out he started whining that he wanted beans and rice and I explained again that they did not come with his so he started saying, "But what is my side?" and I knew a tantrum was about to erupt. The Mr. saved the day by saying, "The chips are your side."  We are trying to think more outside the box with our answers these days.

Thanksgiving Day Second Half

I got all my crying out before Dad and C got here, so the rest of my day was fine. A family friend called me after they left and we got to chat and remember some of the good times with mom, back in the day.

Mr. Screech is pretty triggered right now. He is tantruming over everything and being very irrational. Our therapist had previously said he and Mr. Happy would notice mom gone more around the holidays, so maybe that is part of the problem on top of the normal holiday triggers. Several times through out the day he says, "I miss grandma."

Right after finding out my Dad and C were getting married Mr. Stinky wanted to call "C" grandma. It kinda got to me because I felt like he was trying to cover up his feelings and move on quickly. He started calling her Grandma C, but now he has switched to calling her by name and I'm not sure why. Mr. Stinky has been dealing with a lot of anger flare up here lately. Good times.

Thanksgiving Day

This is my first Thanksgiving without my mom and I have so much to be grateful for, but wow do I miss her. Compounded by missing her I am so hurt by my family. It should be a day of being with family, remembering the good times with my mom and having a good time, but they are all having their own Thanksgivings and I was not invited and neither was my dad and his new wife. I know why they were not invited, but I can't figure out why I wasn't so dad and C are coming to our house for Thanksgiving.

When my dad got married my aunt and sister kept talking about all of us sticking together and being there for each other. Where are they today? Not sticking with me. I am a boohooing mess and feeling so alone. Suck! Suck! and more Suck!

I think Mr. Stinky is missing his grandma too because he is a mad mess. Good times and Happy frieking Thanksgiving everyone!

Parenting trauma can be so lonely.

Tonight was a lonely parenting moment for me. I took my kids to a roller skating party and there were quite a few adopted children there. (Families I know of, but not friends with.) Mr. Screech was the only one screaming, "I hate you and I will not go home with you!" when it was time to go. Suck! Suck! and Suck! 


It was sucking me into depression, but after chatting with GB's Mom we concluded that Hope would be screaming right along with Mr. Screech. I imagined both of us chatting and laughing about our kids and their ridiculous fits. I don't feel as lonely anymore.


So, thank you GB's Mom for being such a fabulous SOUL sister and I can't wait to hug your neck in Orlando. Only 102 days! 

They did great!

To update my last post, the boys did great staying the night with Grandma P and Grandpa J. The boys got spoiled to death and had a wonderful time. I enjoyed my evening out and being able to sleep in and wake up on my own time. Yay for awesome Grandma's and Grandpa's and I'm even more grateful because Grandma P didn't have to. She has been so kind to fill in for my mom.

Keeping it regulated.

For the most part, I was able to keep my kids busy and regulated. The stressful part was my brain constantly thinking of what to do with them.

I was able to keep Mr. Screech with me at all times and it is amazing how regulated he is staying. I involved him with making dinner and he was such a joy to have around.

Today, he started to fall apart and as soon as I suggested reading a book he was regulated again. He was able to move on with the day and get things done.

Mr. Stinky decided to have a crazy meltdown today. He keeps blaming his brothers for his anger and I keep placing it back on the orphanage for him. He was playing legos and would not listen to me when I told him to stop twirling with a space ship he built. He was coming within inches of the furniture so I gently took the ship and put it up. I found legos in the hall and asked him to put them up and he was so busy arguing that if his legos were scattered it didn't matter and if he lost them it didn't matter too.

At this point I put the lid on his lego box and put them away in the basement. If he is going to be careless and not care then he can just not play with them until he is ready. This turned into an hour rage fest.

I am a little nervous because my boys are spending the night with our special adopted Grandma P. She is my best friends mother and she is helping to fill the gap my mom has left. I had a fundraiser to go to and The Mr. is out all weekend on a retreat. I am hoping when the boys get home tomorrow I will be able to regulate them quickly so this does not turn into a week long event. In the meantime, I am going to enjoy my evening and my morning off.

Day 3 was what I needed.

Today, Arleta focused on The Mr and I for a while. She pinpointed that I don't feel like I'm a good mom. I look to my kids to validate that I'm doing a good job and it doesn't work because they are broken inside and do not reflect the "I'm a good mom" behaviors.

The Mr. talked about his childhood and how he was ignored/neglected by his dad. I started crying because it broke my heart, but the more he talked I was able to understand why I was having displaced anger on my kids since my mom died.

I was having a hard time getting to the root of it because I feel at peace with my mom's death. I have been wondering if I'm shoving it down in some way, but I can't find it. It finally hit me that I am pissed that the one good grandparent that engaged my children and treated them the way a grandparent should was my mom and she is gone. Now they are stuck with grandparents that doesn't give much of a damn. 

The Mr's father is too busy doing crossword puzzles to engage with people. The Mr's mother hasn't dealt with her grief of her mother passing 3-years ago and won't engage her grand kids anymore. My dad is too busy and when he is around he engages with Mr. Stinky, but has a hard time with the other two. I get it. My other two are over the top being crazy and rowdy around him and they don't listen, but still I need him to engage with them when he is around. I can't talk to The Mr's parents, but I can talk to my dad and see if he can try a little more. 

We left Arleta's office with three regulated boys. We are trying to keep Mr. Screech near us at all times because he is the easiest to become disregulated. I am a little stressed because it is going to require me to think harder for ways to keep him near me.

Day 2 didn't go so hot.

Mr. Stinky clearly had big emotions over the orphanage video. When Arleta was trying to talk to him he turned in to a raging lunatic. She told us he is not as healthy as we think he is and he does a very good job of making us think he is healthier than he is.

It is a little disheartening for me because he was the one I was able to devote a lot of attachment time to when he first came home. I did it like textbook and it still didn't work because he lived in the orphanage of the first 11-months of his life and his brain has been hardwired. I am realizing that even though my kids are making progress this will be a life long time of retraining their brains. Neglect and trauma suck!

The other two got with the program a little better today and talked about their feelings.

It was great to go back!

Day 1 Sept. 17th. 

Back to Cleveland that is.

We decided more is better this year so we are seeing our therapist for the second time and we are planning a third trip in November. Mr. Stinky and Mr. Screech seemed to have come a long way, but Mr. Happy is holding on to his mad and sad and not wanting to talk about it. I love to sit down with Arleta to talk about how the boys are doing because we really see how far they are progressing and what still needs to be worked on. Sometimes in the day to day it is doom and gloom when they are not "perfect."

Arleta started by running a new neurofeedback protocol to help Mr. Happy’s brain get unstuck in the trauma of the orphanage and then we listened to nice songs while he sat on my lap and looked in my eyes. When it was his turn to talk about his story he was tight lipped so she called in Mr. Screech. As soon as he came in, the door of her office, he sat hard on his butt and started a tantrum. She reminded him that his tantrums do not work and he regulated himself pretty quick, but stayed sitting on the floor. We told her Mr. Stinky wanted to go first today so he could stop stressing (he has performance anxiety) about talking to her so she called him in. He did a great job talking to her and did not throw one fit.

To engage the other two, Arleta went into some therapy using little people and placed a mama and papa people together. Then she had each of the boy hold their person and place it in various spots based on where they were "in the family" and that was based on how they were acting. She also went through their birthstories and acted them out with the little people. The boys liked it and were able to engage.

Mr. Screech and Mr. Happy are stuck mentally in the orphanage and Mr. Stinky is verbalizing all of his mad towards his birthmom, but Arleta is helping him connect that some of his mad is from living in the orphanage too. When babies are neglected they get mad and then the made gets stuck in them and comes out explosively over something little. To help give them visuals she had them watch video clips of babies/toddlers in the orphanage. This is the second time our boys have seen this video and they did a lot better this time focusing on the video. Last time, they would try and do something else instead of looking at the screen. Mr. Happy still tried to engage Arleta’s dog or pick at his pants or shoes. Shoes can be SUPER interesting when you want to avoid something painful.

This evening was very pleasant with our boys. In the past, I have feared getting kicked out of our hotel because of the raging tantrums going on.  I am LOVING the progress my family has made in the past 1-year and 8-months. To think I tried this on my own for a year and a half and we went nowhere. My kids rejected me daily and tantrumed like crazy. I did not like being a mother, but tonight was wonderful! Mr. Screech was my biggest rejecter and tonight he was my sweetest most loving of all three. If you are still struggling after months or years I beg of you to call a reputable attachment therapist so you can get your sanity back. Our therapist will see us over a weekend so it makes it very doable even though we live 6 hours away.

Last night The Mr. and I had a good talk about our own emotional wellbeing and how we need to improve to help our kids. I have wanted The Mr. to try neurofeedback to see if it would help him. He agreed, but only if I would do it too. Arleta said I need the mood stabilizer protocol and I would agree. I miss my mom so much and I have my dad’s wedding coming up in a few weeks so yeah, that would be a fabulous protocol for me. Depression sucks and I'd like to have the fog lifted.

It's a no go.

The therapist with Hospice will not be seeing my kiddos. That is fine because we just had a weekend with our therapist, and we will be seeing her again this year.

Thankfully, my dad agreed to pay for both sessions since he is hurrying us in our grief. When the financial burden is lifted it is easier to go more often.

Finally, a grief therapist

I was able to get in touch with a Hospice grief counselor today and I was giving a little background of my kids. That they have attachment issues and the loss of their grandmother is more devastating than what a bio-attached kid might feel, etc. She said she would need to talk to a supervisor before seeing my kids because "they might become attached to her."  "...I'm trained to know about attachment issues." Oh how I had to keep my mouth shut and not school her right there about attachment issues!

Uh, am I missing something here? Is she completely confused about an attachment disorder? I told her I was confused and asked how they would "become attached to her" and she said because she would be counseling them one on one. I sweetly explained that they would not be there with her by themselves. I would be there at all times.

On a good note she can see me on Monday and I'm excited because I know I have displaced anger. Recently, I've turned into a mom with a short temper and I'm quick to yell and get aggravated instead of staying calm and handling things therapeutically. Yes, I have once again lost my therapeutic panties.

Does her statement seem strange to any of you or do I not get attachment disorders?

I'd rather be in bed with the pillow over my head!

But I'm going to blog instead. I have tried to write a post so many times and just can't do it. Depression is swallowing me and it sucks! I want to run away to where ever my other Trauma Mama friends are so I can just be surrounded by people who get it.

As you all know, my mom pass away March 10th, which is only 5 months ago, and now my dad is already engaged and will be getting married in October. This is so hard to process because they had a great marriage and it seems like he is just sweeping her memory away.

I decided I would talk to him about it instead of stewing and being mad at him, but that hasn't worked either. On Wednesday, he very sweetly and kindly, told me he has worked through his grief and it is at a faster pace than all of us and we just need to catch up. What I can't get him to understand is that I am processing grief for four of us and it does take time. I have been trying to get a hold of Hospice to help with grief counseling and I can't get the local place to call me back. Suck!

I am trying to feel compassionate towards my dad, because obviously he can't stand to be alone, but I am struggling with feelings of betrayal and being so mad because it is another instance of family not "getting" my kids and what they need. I cried and pleaded with him to wait because my mom had told him to before she died, because I need more time and because my kids need more time. Once again, only my mom "got it" and she is gone.

We will have to go to Cleveland for therapy twice this year plus I need to see my therapist so I have decided my dad will be paying the bills since he says, "We need to work through our grief faster." Can't wait to drop those bills off to him. Maybe he will "get it" then?

Sunday Dinner

Grilled Pesto Tilapia

Tilapia filet
Pesto
Whole Garlic Cloves

Spray foil with cooking spray and lay Tilapia filet on it. Coat top liberally with pesto and place whole garlic cloves on top. Roll top and sides of foil making a pouch and grill on medium until fish flakes easily, 20-30 minutes.

We made this camping and the whole family loved it.