Day 3 was what I needed.

Today, Arleta focused on The Mr and I for a while. She pinpointed that I don't feel like I'm a good mom. I look to my kids to validate that I'm doing a good job and it doesn't work because they are broken inside and do not reflect the "I'm a good mom" behaviors.

The Mr. talked about his childhood and how he was ignored/neglected by his dad. I started crying because it broke my heart, but the more he talked I was able to understand why I was having displaced anger on my kids since my mom died.

I was having a hard time getting to the root of it because I feel at peace with my mom's death. I have been wondering if I'm shoving it down in some way, but I can't find it. It finally hit me that I am pissed that the one good grandparent that engaged my children and treated them the way a grandparent should was my mom and she is gone. Now they are stuck with grandparents that doesn't give much of a damn. 

The Mr's father is too busy doing crossword puzzles to engage with people. The Mr's mother hasn't dealt with her grief of her mother passing 3-years ago and won't engage her grand kids anymore. My dad is too busy and when he is around he engages with Mr. Stinky, but has a hard time with the other two. I get it. My other two are over the top being crazy and rowdy around him and they don't listen, but still I need him to engage with them when he is around. I can't talk to The Mr's parents, but I can talk to my dad and see if he can try a little more. 

We left Arleta's office with three regulated boys. We are trying to keep Mr. Screech near us at all times because he is the easiest to become disregulated. I am a little stressed because it is going to require me to think harder for ways to keep him near me.