Sunday, March 27, 2011

I am still here.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and prayers when my mom passed away. I am so grateful to have so many wonderful friends and new friends that I met in Orlando to support me. Omom's your blogs help me not to feel alone.

Day to day I am fine, but the grief hits here and there and I can't stop crying. It hits me the hardest when I talk to my dad and I know how lonely he is. I have my kids to distract me, but he goes home to an empty house every day.

I feel like I have been fighting depression and it settles like a gentle fog over me. I have been taking my vitamins and herbs for and working out at the YMCA and they help. I'm slowly getting back into the family routine.

My boys are doing ok, but I worry they are not releasing their grief. Their behavior has been so good and that is WEIRD! I know, only a mama of trauma would say that right?

Mr. Stinky cried the morning she died, but has not cried since. He has had some angry outbursts directed at his brothers, but I have to say it was appropriate since they were bugging him.

Mr. Happy has been extra happy through it all. I know that is a sign of trouble.
Today, I asked him to get the laundry out of the dryer and he decided to do a little stick poking.
Mr. Happy: Do you want all the laundry out?
Me: What do you think?
Mr. Happy: Yes
Me: Ok
Mr. Happy came with 1/2 a basket full
Mr. Happy: Is this enough mommy?
Me: Did you get it all?
Mr. Happy: No
Me: Then it is not enough. (My head wanted to rotate at this point.)

This prompted an all out super-infant crying session from Mr. Happy. The Mr. picked him up and held him and validated his feelings. Wow, The Mr. is good! He validated that Mr. Happy was upset I had been gone for 3 weeks, sad about grandma, and mad mama was having him do work. When Mr. Happy got down he was like a different kid.

Mr. Screech had a moment of deep wrenching sobs over a toy, the day mom passed, so I helped him recognize those feelings were really about grandma. Overall, his behavior has been great with very minor things here and there. Very very weird since he loves to tantrum and be overly defiant.

Stay tuned for more ramblings from this trauma mama.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Sunday Dinner

Broccoli Cheese Soup

¼ cup butter
1 cup chopped onion
½ teaspoon minced garlic
3 tablespoons unbleached all purpose flour
2 ½ cups chicken broth
2 cups almond milk, unsweetened (or half and half)
1 (32-ounce) package frozen broccoli florets, chopped
1 cup matchstick carrots, chopped
¾ teaspoon salt
¼ teaspoon ground white pepper
1/8 teaspoon dried thyme 
3 cups shredded Cheddar cheese (plus more for garnish)
1/4 cup Parmesan cheese 

In a large dutch oven, melt butter over medium heat. Add onion and cook for 5 minutes. Add garlic and cook for 3 minutes. Add flour and cook for 2 minutes stirring constantly. Whisk in chicken broth and almond milk, whisking constantly. Stir in broccoli, carrots, salt, pepper and thyme. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat and simmer uncovered for 20 minutes. Add cheese, stirring until smooth. Serve immediately.


Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is bliss, taste it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.
Mother Teresa

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Can you help this family?

This mom is raffling off her wedding ring and her kids have a couple of raffles going too. Check it out and see if you can help.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

She is gone.

My mom passed away today around 3am.

I am very sad and I will miss her, but we all have so much peace about it. She was an awesome women who touched so many lives.

In this moment, I am so happy I went to Orlando and met so many awesome moms who can continue to support  me when my mom is not here. She was my amazing cheerleader.

Please pray for my children who are grieving the loss of their grandmother. As we trauma mamas know loss is a hard thing for our kids.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

I'm going!

I have been in such turmoil over whether to go to Orlando or not and I have been praying for God to give me a clear cut sign so I would know. Yesterday, I talked to my dad about it and it was such a relief when he told me I needed to go. He specifically said, "God would want you to go because we all need a break sometimes." Peace just came over me and I knew it was ok.

I am at my parents hanging out with my mom and this could be the last time I see her awake and that breaks my heart. It is really hard for me to let go and let others care for her, but I know she will be in good hands with my family. It has been a long stressful year with her diagnosis of cancer, but I would not trade a minute of it of the extra time I got to spend with her.

Today, I talked to Mr. Stinky because I know he is holding his emotions in over this. I said, "I knew you are having a hard time and it is ok talk about it." He said, It is hard when I see you crying while you're driving or talking on the phone." That made me start crying again. He reached out and gave me the sweetest hug and then I cried on his shoulder for a bit. I told him, "Thank you for lending your shoulder because now I feel so much better."

Before I left this afternoon, I gave the boys pictures of me with them to put in their photo albums and I included a picture of them with their grandma. They were so excited.
When I was saying, "Good bye" on the porch and giving hugs and kisses Mr. Stinky was holding back the tears and was suddenly so interested in a dead worm. Hello coping skills!

I am getting on a plane in less than 12 hours and I am nervous and excited.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Orlando Is Covered

Thank you everyone for your thought and prayers.

My cousin called this morning and she has family lined up to stay with mom for the weekend to help my dad out. She is so wonderful!

I am still iffy on it though. I will see what today and tomorrow holds.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

She is home.

Mom came home from the hospital this evening. Hospice set us up with everything we need except someone there 24/7. That for me is very overwhelming.

I am not a nurse, nor have I had any training, so I don't know how to move someone, change their bedding with them in it, change them if they are soiled....Holy crap it is a lot for a girl to stress about!!! I know hospice is a phone call away, but I can't call them every time she needs to be cleaned up.

The other thing weighing on me is Orlando. On one side I feel crazy selfish for leaving her and spending 4 days away, but I also feel I need to build my support system for my kids. My mom is my supporter so who do I have to lean on when she is gone? I think I'm gonna need my Orlando Sisters so I need to fine someone to be with my mom on Friday and Monday. Say a prayer for me?

Through all this my boys are being so awesome! The Mr. is caring for them while I have been gone every day and even when I come home and see them for a little bit they just snuggle up and love on me. It is awesome!

When we were getting mom settled I felt so bad because I snapped at Mr. Stinky and he held back the tears. I immediately went on my knees and hugged him and told him I was sorry and I was stressed a little bit. He is being so good and I wasn't. I am having a ton of mommy guilt over it.