I am still here.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and prayers when my mom passed away. I am so grateful to have so many wonderful friends and new friends that I met in Orlando to support me. Omom's your blogs help me not to feel alone.

Day to day I am fine, but the grief hits here and there and I can't stop crying. It hits me the hardest when I talk to my dad and I know how lonely he is. I have my kids to distract me, but he goes home to an empty house every day.

I feel like I have been fighting depression and it settles like a gentle fog over me. I have been taking my vitamins and herbs for and working out at the YMCA and they help. I'm slowly getting back into the family routine.

My boys are doing ok, but I worry they are not releasing their grief. Their behavior has been so good and that is WEIRD! I know, only a mama of trauma would say that right?

Mr. Stinky cried the morning she died, but has not cried since. He has had some angry outbursts directed at his brothers, but I have to say it was appropriate since they were bugging him.

Mr. Happy has been extra happy through it all. I know that is a sign of trouble.
Today, I asked him to get the laundry out of the dryer and he decided to do a little stick poking.
Mr. Happy: Do you want all the laundry out?
Me: What do you think?
Mr. Happy: Yes
Me: Ok
Mr. Happy came with 1/2 a basket full
Mr. Happy: Is this enough mommy?
Me: Did you get it all?
Mr. Happy: No
Me: Then it is not enough. (My head wanted to rotate at this point.)

This prompted an all out super-infant crying session from Mr. Happy. The Mr. picked him up and held him and validated his feelings. Wow, The Mr. is good! He validated that Mr. Happy was upset I had been gone for 3 weeks, sad about grandma, and mad mama was having him do work. When Mr. Happy got down he was like a different kid.

Mr. Screech had a moment of deep wrenching sobs over a toy, the day mom passed, so I helped him recognize those feelings were really about grandma. Overall, his behavior has been great with very minor things here and there. Very very weird since he loves to tantrum and be overly defiant.

Stay tuned for more ramblings from this trauma mama.