Monday, April 25, 2011

Easter without Mom/Grandma

We spent the first part of Saturday with my friends family and it was nice. We had great conversation, good food, and the boys enjoyed the egg hunt.

My boys call her mom "Grandma Peggy", but Mr. Screech has started calling her "Mama Peggy." I informed him that she was not his mama and now he is using it as a stick poking tool. Let's remember that Mr. Screech is a brilliant child and doesn't forget a thing, much less who he is supposed to call mama!

From there, we went to my uncle's house for our family get together. Everything was going well until dinner. When we were sitting around eating and talking it really hit that my mom wans't there. Normally, she is a big part of the conversation and I couldn't hear her voice. I had to put my plate down and go have a good cry in the bathroom.

The boys had a good time with the egg hunt and I let them have a couple of treats. Towards the end of the night, I caught Mr. Screech chowing down on more candy. A peep to be specific. I put on my sad voice and told him he had to put it in the trash because he did not ask mommy if he could have it. He flipped out and started into a rage of screaming. I walked him up the stairs to the trash can and he threw it on the floor.  At that point I could not breath. All I have to say about this episode is, "grief sucks!"

Shortly after that, we left and I fell apart when I hugged my cousin. I know she gets my grief because her mom died when we were 14-years-old. My dad hugged me and said, "I cry a dozen times a day." Man, I feel for him.

Sunday, Mr. Screech was still a raging, nasty little mess so we had some couch time. After he raged for a while his cry changed to sobs and he fell on my chest saying, "I just miss grandma!" Oh how it broke my heart and we cried together. After that fit, we had a pretty pleasant day.

I googled the stages of grief and this site lists them. One stage is anger and I have not hit it over her death, BUT I feel like I have displaced anger towards my kids. I went to therapy in the fall and it helped. When my kids did things, it did not trigger my anger and I could parent therapeutically. Since my mother's passing I am short with them and impatient and talking in an angry tone. My therapeutic parenting is out the window and they are triggering my anger. I guess it is time for mama to go back to therapy.


Essie the Accidental Mommy said...

The holidays must be a hard time to have lost your mother. My mom, and grandmother before her always do a big egg hunt and lots of fun on Easter. One of my earliest memories is of the egg hunt in my grandmothers basement!
Sounds like you are very aware of yourself and your feelings right now, which is going to be so helpful for you and your family. It's a hard time.

Tasha Lehman said...

I'm glad we got to spend some Easter time together and I'm so sorry it was tough. The first of many difficult holidays, I'm sure. Hold tight and remember we are all here for you!