Tapping and Healing

I heard about tapping when I went to the Orlando Retreat last year, but didn't think much of it. At this year's retreat I shared with the other moms in my house about my low self esteem and Lisa had me start tapping. I had a big emotional release that was so healing and I loved it. Shortly after coming home, I had my guys tap and say, "I am calm. I feel calm. I am calm." When we were done I saw the calm on their face and it was pretty cool.

I hadn't tapped since then and Lisa posted about an amazing teleconference with Brad Yates that is coming up on May 3rd here for parents that parent trauma. Be sure to check it out! I called Lisa because I just needed to talk and I wanted to talk a little about tapping. She inspired me to start tapping on myself and getting my boys tapping so today I started with Mr. Stinky.

Mr. Stinky has been struggling with anxiety and it is coming out in his behavior. He is snarky, and lashing out and just plain grumpy so I showed him the anxiety video from Lisa's blog and it was interesting. He was having a hard time keeping up with what Brad was saying, but there were times when he could not repeat what Brad was saying even though it was easy and then it dawned on me that it is too hard for him to verbalize the feeling. I shut the video off early and had him start tapping:

Even though I am mad I am an awesome kid. -He could not do "I am an awesome kid" and doubled over in anger saying, "I can't do it!!!" I switched it to:

Even though I am mad my mom things I am awesome. -This he could do.

Even though I am mad my mom loves me very much.

Even though I am mad my mom thinks I rock

Even though (birthmom) left me at the hospital I was a good baby.

Even though (birthmom) decided not to be my mom I was a good baby.

At this point he started crying and said he was really mad at his birth mom for leaving him at the hospital. His feelings just started pouring out of him like never before. Then he started to get mad that he was crying so I had him tap:

Even though I am crying it is ok to cry.

Even though I am crying my mom things I'm a great kid.

When we stopped I linked back for him why he does not like to cry. "As a baby, in the orphanage, you cried because you needed to be fed, changed or held and the orphanage ladies were too busy so  you think it is bad to cry now."  He said, "Wow, I didn't know it was ok to cry." I found this statement somewhat odd because we had told him and our therapist had talked to him about it in therapy. The tapping changed him and helped it really sink in.

When we were all done tapping and crying he was very loving and told me he felt so much better. He grabbed my laptop and asked me to type what he said and as I typed he put his arm around my shoulders and hung on me. This was huge because he has been very distant and resistant for a long time. This is what he said:

In 2004 January the 20th I was born. A_____, my birthmom decided not to be my mom and that was rude of her. And now that I am older I want to hurt A____ because I hurt inside. If A____ said I am so cute and all that stuff that birth moms say (about babies) and then they just leave you in the hospital until an orphanage lady comes and picks you up, that is very rude of a birth mom if they said that.

Now I am 8-years-old and it is Sunday April 22, 2012 and I am older and I am very very very angry at A___. Years have passed and I know it is not right to hurt a birth mom who left me in the orphanage. If you want to hurt a birth mom who lives far away you should not. It is on this day I did the tapping and it made me cry and I also got mad and I didn’t know tapping could do that.

Moms if your children are very angry and they don’t’ want to do their therapy and they are at home or in the hotel right by the therapist or if you are camping or if you are anywhere where you can spend the night (We travel and spend the night when we go to therapy so he is referring to when we camp overnight or stay in a hotel) you should do the tapping with your children to help them with their therapy. Me and my mom started to cry some. It is ok to cry. I just realized that today. If your children do not want to do it just say, “It is not an option you should do it.” Today I got really angry at my brothers and then my mom said to come in and we did the tapping and it helped me to feel good inside.

He asked me to print it and he was excited because there was a lot of room at the bottom for a picture. 

He drew a picture of his birth mom with him in her tummy. 

This is the most complete and best drawing of a person he has done. 

Her nose almost looks like a heart. 

He was so proud of it he ran to show his papa and then came asking me to please share it with my mom friends. He made sure I took it to our adoption support group tonight and then asked me afterwards if I shared it. I said, "Yes, and that everyone liked it and was happy he felt better." He was so happy about that and this is from a child who is VERY private and does not want anyone to know anything about him or his feelings. 

So Mama's this is advise from my 8-year-old "Get your kids to tap!" and if you need help contact me or Lisa. 

Valentine's Day

We tend to tiptoe around whenever there is a holiday because of the backlash. I decided I was going to be passive aggressive with Valentine's Day this year and it was a success!!!

When the boys woke up I had made cinnamon rolls and made sure they knew I did it because I love them.

At lunch I made sure they knew I made it because I love them.

I made a giant heart shaped cookie and I made sure they knew I did it because I love them.

My husband took them to buy me some gifts, and I set some out for them, and I made sure they knew it was because I love them.

All day long they ate junk and sweets and I made sure they knew it was because I love them.

I kept inviting the tantrums, but no one took me up on it. They went to bed and all was well on Valentines Day!

After they went to bed I panicked! I realized the next day would be HELL. ON. EARTH. So I was ready once again. I invited the tantrums ALL. DAY. LONG. and it was still a good day. Mr. Screech started to have a meltdown, but quickly used his words and said, "But I don't want Valentine's Day to be over." I clued into what he was REALLY saying and said, "Just because Valentine's Day is over does not mean  I have stopped loving you." That was what he needed to hear and we had a wonderful day! Healing is AMAZING!

Inviting the Tantrum

Mr. Screech has decided that it is his duty to get up first thing in the morning and have a tantrum. I have tried ignoring, but he started tearing things up to get my attention or making it a point to tantrum while I was eating breakfast. (I made sure they ate first thing which put me eating later.) I have tried doing what he asks and not cause a conflict, but no matter what I do he still tantrums. For example, make him the breakfast that he asked for and then he rages because it was the wrong breakfast. Seriously?!

For the past three mornings I have been getting up before my kids and as soon as he gets up I invite him to the couch to have a tantrum on my lap. He says he doesn't want to have a tantrum, but the first morning he started as soon as he got off my lap, so we went right back to the couch to get it out of his system. Yesterday and today he did not want to have one and he didn't even after getting off my lap. It has made it so we can start the day with snuggles and laughter.

Another thing about getting up before them is I am one step ahead all day long. I am able to direct them better through school and I have been telling them what toys to play with and they seem to do really well with this routine. Mr. Screech was especially lost when I would tell him to get a toy to play with so consequently he would tantrum instead of play.

A crappy moment ended well.

Our church has an indoor play area and we always let the boys play after church. I heard Mr. Screech say loudly, "Baby bottom!!!" and I found him quickly and said, "We do not call people baby bottom." I had barely gotten it out before he went into a full on meltdown rage. I was shocked and did not expect it! 

I took him to the bathroom, to remove him from the chaos, and asked him what was going on. He was still raging and throwing his fists up at me so I turned his back to me and wrapped his arms around himself in a bear hug hold. He started getting more violent so I sat on the floor (eeeewwww!!!) with my legs wrapped over his and his arms bear hugging himself.

S: Let me GO!

Me: I'll let you go when you are calm.

(Repeat a lot)

S: I hate you!

Me: That's ok. I have enough love for the both of us.

S: Let me go!

Me: I will let you go when you are calm. Pinching me is not going to make me let go. 

S: I hate you and I don't want you to be my mommy! 

Me: You don't have to like me, but the judge in Russia decided I would be your mommy so I will always be your mommy.

S: Let me go!

Me: I will let you go when you are calm. I need you to use your big boy words and tell me what is going on. Clearly you are having a very big feeling.

S screams: I am so mad at you! You are such a mean mommy.

Me: I don't understand why you are so mad at me. I told you not to call someone baby bottom.

S: (Tried to tell me what the problem was, but was screaming it so loud I could not understand.)

Me: I need you to calm down and use your big boy words.

After much dialog like this he finally calmed and I turned him around to face me. He was still mad, but finally told me that in his class Mr. Happy had broken the ship he had built twice and was still being mean to him in the play area. I told him, "Thank you for telling me so I can take care if it." I also assured him I would put them in separate classes so Mr. Happy couldn't bug him anymore.

When we were walking out of the bathroom there was a security lady standing and waiting. I think she was waiting because I'm sure someone thought I was doing him harm, but she said, "I want to give you a hug. What you are doing is hard, but you are doing such a good job. Thank you."  Holy crap! I was floored and she made me cry. 

I have stopped worrying what everyone around me thinks about my parenting, but it was so nice to get a compliment. 

Mr. Happy had neurofeedback yesterday so he is very alert and not in his dis-associative fog. When he is alert he does more stick-poking and mean things to try and project his feelings onto others. It works well, but I need to address it more. It's never ending...

Getting my homemaker mojo back!

Today, I made French baguettes, scones, truffles and rum cake and it felt so good! I love to cook and bake, but Mr. Screech has robbed me of it for the past 31/2 years. I can barely drag my butt into the kitchen to make them some half assed dinner most evenings and then when they go to bed I flop on the couch exhausted. It has gotten better over time, but today was just awesome! 

I plugged them into the tv and let them play on their own without too many issues. I stayed in my PJ's all day and got it done. I'm sure tomorrow I'll pay like crazy for it, but I'm enjoying today!

Creative Answers

We took the boys to a Mexican restaurant after church yesterday. In the kids meals you could get:
Taco with rice and beans
Burrito with rice and beans
Burrito and taco

Mr. Happy and Mr. Stinky picked a burrito with rice and beans and Mr. Screech picked burrito and taco and he knew there were no rice and beans. About a minute before the food came out he started whining that he wanted beans and rice and I explained again that they did not come with his so he started saying, "But what is my side?" and I knew a tantrum was about to erupt. The Mr. saved the day by saying, "The chips are your side."  We are trying to think more outside the box with our answers these days.

Thanksgiving Day Second Half

I got all my crying out before Dad and C got here, so the rest of my day was fine. A family friend called me after they left and we got to chat and remember some of the good times with mom, back in the day.

Mr. Screech is pretty triggered right now. He is tantruming over everything and being very irrational. Our therapist had previously said he and Mr. Happy would notice mom gone more around the holidays, so maybe that is part of the problem on top of the normal holiday triggers. Several times through out the day he says, "I miss grandma."

Right after finding out my Dad and C were getting married Mr. Stinky wanted to call "C" grandma. It kinda got to me because I felt like he was trying to cover up his feelings and move on quickly. He started calling her Grandma C, but now he has switched to calling her by name and I'm not sure why. Mr. Stinky has been dealing with a lot of anger flare up here lately. Good times.