Thanksgiving Day Second Half

I got all my crying out before Dad and C got here, so the rest of my day was fine. A family friend called me after they left and we got to chat and remember some of the good times with mom, back in the day.

Mr. Screech is pretty triggered right now. He is tantruming over everything and being very irrational. Our therapist had previously said he and Mr. Happy would notice mom gone more around the holidays, so maybe that is part of the problem on top of the normal holiday triggers. Several times through out the day he says, "I miss grandma."

Right after finding out my Dad and C were getting married Mr. Stinky wanted to call "C" grandma. It kinda got to me because I felt like he was trying to cover up his feelings and move on quickly. He started calling her Grandma C, but now he has switched to calling her by name and I'm not sure why. Mr. Stinky has been dealing with a lot of anger flare up here lately. Good times.

There were four in the bed and the vocal RAD said, "Aaaaahhhhh GET UP!!!"

My husband is out of town until late Thursday night, and on top of everything else the kids are working through, this is making them even more bonkers.

Mr. Stinky came in my room to sleep around 3am, Mr. Happy came in around 5:30am, and Mr. Screech came at 6:30am.

When the first two came in it was no big deal because they snuggled in and went right to sleep. Mr. Screech came in and immediately had the RAD look of, "What did I miss! How dare everyone be here and not me!" I had everyone squish over so he could get in bed and he lay there for 15 minutes and then started talking. 

I told him he needed to be quiet because everyone is sleeping and if he needed to go on then go quiet. What was I thinking! That was not good enough for a screeching RADling. He sat up on his knees on the edge of the bed watching everyone and making noises. I took him to his room and of course the screaming woke everyone up. I promised him he was not going to like his day because he did not do as he was told. 

When he asked for his breakfast I started crying and yelling (just like he had done), "I don't want to!" so he went and got his own cereal and milk. 

When it was time for lunch I asked if he wanted a grilled cheese or corn dog and he said, "Corn Dog!" He got grilled cheese because I decided not to listen to him.

When he said, "But I asked for a corn dog!" I said, (in a surprised nice toned voice) "Oh! I thought we were not listening to what people wanted or asked for today." and walked on. He was a very sad boy so I came back and validated that it was sad when people don't listen to what others are asking.

This might take a million times of doing, but he will get it eventually. This is a natural and logical consequence.

This afternoon, Mr. Screech had a severe RAD moment that had me giggling. Lately, I've been getting mad so it felt good to giggle over it for a bit.

We have several riding cars and the boys love to race each other around the house on them. First, Mr. Screech tried to get Mr. Happy's car and when I told him to move on he went to Mr. Stinky's car. I kept telling Mr. Screech to try a different car and he had an excuse for not going to THAT car. Until Mr. Stinky did of course. He followed Mr. Stinky to a different car 4 or 5 times and it was ridiculous. I went to pick him up to get him away from his brother and I was laughing so much I didn't have the strength to lift him. We had a little couch time.

Mr. Stinky had a rippin tantrum and took a toy and launched it at me. He had perfect aim and hit me right in the face so now I have a bruised cheek. I'm thinking he should play baseball.

After he calmed down we had a calm moment on the couch and he talked about missing grandma. We both had a good cry together.

Counting down to our therapy appointment on Friday. 

On vacation and counting down to therapy.

We came to Florida on vacation last week and have really been having a good time RAD and all. We were only supposed to stay a week, but The Mr. got called out of town on business so I decided to stay another week with the kids. Sunny Florida sure beats being cooped up in the house because of rain and tornadoes back home.

The best part is getting to meet up with some Orlando SOUL sisters! Spent Friday at the beach with "G" and her family and it was nice to be with someone who "gets it." Tomorrow, I'm meeting with "K" and can't wait for more SOUL Sister time! I wish more of you were here.

We have 8 days until we trek to Cleveland to see our therapist and it really can't come soon enough. We have not been to see her since September so we are LONG overdue.

Mr. Screech is in full out RAD behavior.
*Everything is about him
*The world is out to get him. Always worried when his brothers get near his toys.
*He is oppositional defiant about EVERYTHING!
*He is manipulating the crap out of my friends, who he doesn't know that well.
*He is obsessing about things like missing my mom and our cat. Um, my mom I get. Our cat hides until the boys are in bed, so they don't get to play with him. Ever. What is there to miss?

We are vacationing at our friends house and yesterday, while sitting on the couch with our friend M, he told M he loved him about every 15 minutes for about 4 hours. Today, M was at work and Mr. Screech was sitting on the couch and said, "I love you M." I had a little chat with him that it was not appropriate because M is not his papa and furthermore M was not even home! Seriously!

My sister is vacationing at a nearby beach so we met her and her friend there. It was so nice to have 3 adults with 3 kids who demand attention. First off, they played with my kids in the ocean so I could just have a minute to breathe. I sat in my chair, lay my head back and just listened to the waves crash. So relaxing! At sunset all the baby stingrays came right up and we could watch them feed on the fish. It was creepy because I was IN the ocean, but so incredibly awesome once my feet were out and I could watch them.

At dinner each adult had a kid next to them and I had Mr. Stinky who is not so demanding. By the time I got done taking pictures everyone had their food in place and I didn't have to meet the demands of three kids. I almost didn't know what to do with myself so I started eating.

I had to bite my tongue all day to not nitpick my kids, but when Mr. Screech was sitting next to my sister, and then gets out of his chair so he can eat standing and leaning into her lap, and food, I had to put a stop to it. He was demanding and manipulative of her all day. I was not going to let him ruin her dinner. Geez.

Mr. Happy is very passive-aggressive-defiant. It is so weird and I just don't know how to deal with it. He has a lot of anger he needs to get out and I can't wait for our therapist to work with him, and us, to help let it out. I really need some parenting tools for this child!

Mr. Stinky is just missing his grandma, but not talking about it. We've gotta fix that in a hurry!

Come on 8 days! I am ready!

Thank you YMCA for all the Mother's Day trauma.

Went and worked out at the Y and when I picked the boys up from childcare Mr. Stinky said, "I drew a picture for you, but you are going to have to wait till Mother's Day to see it." Outwardly I said, "That's wonderful honey." and inside I was screaming %$#&^%!!!!!

Sure enough, we got home and he lost it in the front yard. The cool part was I could get a hold of him pretty quickly and have him talk through those feelings and his aggression stopped. For the rest of the day he was kind and helpful towards me.

The front lawn episode happened about 1pm and my 6pm he came out of his room all excited and told me he had homemade confetti ready to rain down on me in the morning when he presented me with his picture.

I can't wait for our therapist to challenge him further in his healing in June.

Can we just erase Mother's Day from the calender?

Yesterday, was a not so cool day with my vocal RADish (Mr. Screech). It was our second day in a row of being gone all day. Apparently, I did not get the memo we can not do that.

He did good up until 1pm when we were at the library. He was playing cars with Mr. Happy and decided to to hog all the cars. It just went downhill from there so I tried to get us out of there as quick as possible. Remembering what some of the Orlando mom's recommended I pulled the "Autism" card. Since Mr. Screech does some autistic-like behaviors it fits. I looked at the librarian and said, "Sorry, we are having a little autism meltdown." She helped carry my books to check out and then helped me get all three boys to the car. People know what autism is so they are sympathetic.

Next stop was the park to get some energy out. Mr. Screech is insisting all day he is a 1-year-old so I had him play on the toddler set while his brothers got to play on the bigger set.

Mr. Stinky had a soccer game so we grabbed some food and headed to the soccer field. Mr. Screech decided he was going to go ODD on me while we were eating. He wasn't going to sit where I told him to. It had to be exactly anywhere but there.

I was praying we would make it through the soccer game, but no go. I had already prepped Mr. Stinky if I wasn't sitting there to just come to the van. Mr. Happy had been digging in the mud on the hillside and found a worm. Mr. Screech wanted to see it so he started shoving and almost made Mr. Happy go down the hill. It is kinda steep and there are a bunch of weeds at the bottom.

I went and got Mr. Screech and sat him on my lap and kinda put him in a hold. I had my arms in a lose circle around him and was trying to talk, but he was hell bent on tantruming. I heard someone say, "Well, she brought it on herself." I don't know if they were accusing me of making his tantrum start (that's what my in-laws do) or of they were talking about someone else.

I asked the lady next to me to help me get my chair back in the bag as I hung on to Mr. Screech. So then I got to walk back to the car with 2 chairs and a raging child. I was amazed at how many people turned around and watched me walk, but no one offered to help me. Not even when it was clear I was having a hard time holding my son and almost dropped him.

I took him to the van and strapped him into his car seat, it is a 5-point harness, and let him rage. This time he unbuckled the car seat from the seat and looked like a turtle. It was almost comical, but he raged for 45 minutes at the field.

When our kids are raging we coach them to talk about their feelings instead of raging. Say, "I am mad! or I am sad. etc" In the past few weeks he was raged and then cried about missing Grandma so today while he was raging he took it to a fake cry saying he missed Grandma. When I didn't get him out of his seat he would rage again. This is the first time I have noticed manipulation with Grandma attached.

When we got home they all put their PJ's on and I tucked him in bed. His brothers got to go have ice cream.

When they were all in bed I collapsed on the couch and wondered what in the heck had happened to make him so crazy. Then I remembered, when they were in childcare at the Y they made hand prints on a paper plate for Mother's Day. I guess that was the major trigger as well as his dad being out of town and still dealing with Grandma passing away. Suck!

I remember a conversation I had with our therapist last year and she said Mother's Day weekend is the worst for the kids. The office is closed early so they can be on the phone with parents and it is also the holiday with the most hospitalizations. I know my other trauma mama's are going through it right now so I am praying. My son's tantrums are nothing compared to what they are going through.

On top of my kids triggers I'm dreading my first Mother's Day without my mom. Double suck!

On a happier note, we are going to see our therapist June 3rd. We have not been since September so we are WAY over due. Her office is my happy place so I can't wait.

Neurofeedback

Our boys have been on neurofeedback (NF) since September 2010. Our therapist spoke to us about the benefits, we went for it, and I do not have one regret. In fact, I can't imagine life without it.

I'll admit, I did not research NF because my brain was tapped out. I had read too many therapeutic books and could not retain another drop. Our therapist talked in detail of what it was and what it does and seeing a difference in her office. She has not called the police to help her with a child in a year, not gotten hurt by a child, and their office has not been destroyed by a child and that sounded good to me, since we were having to restrain one child daily and another once or twice a week. We were worn out and ready for drastic improvements and that is what we got.

We purchased a home unit since the closest provider was an hour away and we would have to go twice a week for all three boys. With Mr. Stinky in school I didn't think that would work out.

Mr. Stinky: Improvements we have seen with Mr. Stinky would include, focus, smoother speech, better reading skills, dyslexia has gone away, ticks and clicking stopped, and less anxiety. There is a number on the screen that measures stress. A normal stress level is 7. He was around 30 when we started and back in January it came down to 15 and has stayed there. Stress level cut in half! Recently, we were having troubles with Mr. Stinky stealing repeatedly so our therapist had us do a protocol that addresses impulse behavior like stealing and overeating. No more stealing happened. It was amazing!

Mr. Screech: One of the coolest protocols for Mr. Screech made him not so screechy. In fact, it was almost comical. When I was putting the sensors on his head he would be slouched in the chair saying, "I am NOT going to play my computer game! I am NOT!!!" I would just say ok and keep on hooking him up. Half way through the protocol he was smiling and saying, "Mommy, I looooooooooove you!" This protocol literally made him happy and nice to be around. Who wouldn't want that!? Mr. Screech is also a nighttime thrasher, grunter, and screamer. His sleep has calmed significantly with NF!

Mr. Happy: Living in such a fog, I would tell him to get his shoes and point near his feet, Mr. Happy would look around and could not process what I was saying. Of course, I got frustrated, so then the more I got frustrated the more he shut down and could not process what I was saying. It was hopeless most days getting him to follow simple instructions. Running NF has taken him out of the fog and he is able to process and understand what we say. In lifting the fog, it has brought out more defiant behaviors, but I would rather that than living in the fog and never dealing with his emotional issues until later when it would be be more challenging. He is passive aggressive and a subtle "stick poker."

Every time I see someone post about behaviors of their kids and how miserable the parents are with the behaviors I want to scream NEUROFEEDBACK from the rooftops. So, if you are one of those parents I beg of  you to check it out. Not only for your sanity, but for the healing of your child.

You can watch videos here, see frequently asked questions here and find a provider here and here. If there is not a provider in your area, purchase a home unit and do it yourself. There are experts who will train you and monitor your sessions and give you protocols based on your child's needs.

If you are interested in a home use unit you can contact Ellen at EEG Spectrum and she will help you locate a professional to help you. Her number is 818-789-3456 ext. 822 or her email is evash (at) eegspectrum (dot) com . Please mention this blog post for reference.

This site lists what neurofeedback can treat:

• Severe anxiety
• Panic attacks
• Addiction
• Attention Deficit (ADD/ADHD)
• Autism
• Chronic Fatigue
• Chronic Pain
• Conduct Disorder
• Depression
• Epilepsy
• Learning Disability
• Migraines
• Peak Performance
• Post Traumatic Stress
• Sleep Disorders
• Tourette Syndrome
• Traumatic Brain Injury

Over time NF does change the brain for the better. Recently, my boys were off NF for a long stretch of time and they were fine. All the other times I have skipped a session I would start having panic attacks, because of their behavior, and RUN to the NF machine so we could have some peace and calm in our home.

An attachment therapist is needed when doing NF. Using NF can bring up feelings in your child and they will need help processing and working through them. If your therapist has never heard of NF send them this blog post and ask them to research. I believe this could be key to healing our children.

DISCLAIMER: I was not paid by anyone for this blog post. I am not an expert on neurofeedback. I am just a mom-in-the-trenches with three special needs children and I have seen the benefits in our home. If I put something incorrect in this post, I apologize.

Photo Albums-The Story of Mom's Trip

Yesterday, I gave the boys their own photo album that tells the story of what I'll be doing in Orlando. I put a picture of an airplane and then the photos of the house I'll be staying in.
I found calenders online, and they print small, so I pasted them inside the front cover of the album and highlighted in pink the days I would be gone. The boys are crossing off the days until I leave and then they will be able to cross off the days while I"m gone so they will know exactly when I come back.

While I explained it all to them, I fed them M&M's and Crunch N Munch with good eye contact. It helps to give something sweet when you are telling them something they see as "bad". It's all in retraining the brain.

So far, their are no tantrums and they keep getting the albums down and asking questions. Mr. Screech who has the most anxiety keeps asking the same questions, but I'll take that over a tantrum.

The day before I leave, I will fill the remainder of the albums with pictures of me with each boy. Our therapist, Arleta James, said they do better if you find something to give them and say, "Please hang on to this for mommy until I get back." I am still trying to figure out what that will be. Maybe a t-shirt or something?

Tantrums Q & A

Molly wrote: "So basically when the boys start to tantrum, you get excited about their fit and they stop? I must try this with 6 yr old. I am tired of the fits and tantrums."


Yes, we either invite the tantrum before it happens or we get excited when we see it starting. 


For example, when we see it start we say, "Oh goody!! A tantrum! I was hoping you would do one today!"  The tone of the voice is happy and joyful. It will not work if you are sarcastic, but be ready because sometimes they choose to throw a fit anyways. 


If we are running a few errands I will ask, "Do you want to throw your tantrum today at the library or Meijer?" Typically, we are tantrum free. 


When our children tantrum at home they make it a point to try and destroy things. If I yell at them to stop they see the "thing" as precious to me so they will continue to destroy it or next tantrum it is what they will go to. 


What stops my kids in their tracks is saying, "Well, if you really want to spend all your money on a new (couch, tv, etc) go ahead and break it. I bet you would have to do a lot of chores to pay for that."  The tone is empathic/sad. If you use a snarky tone they will not stop. Literally, think about how SAD it will be for your kids to have to do so many chores and miss out on playing. 


Here is a great post from our therapist that has more ideas for managing the meltdowns:
Managing Your Adoptee's Meltdowns in Public and at Home

The most perfect blog post

This Holiday Season (and Everyday!) I Wish My Family and Friends Would…Notes From Adoptive Parents – Part One and Part Two

These are fabulous blog posts from our therapist Arleta James and I cried when I read part one. It is my thoughts put in writing so perfectly and more validation that I am not alone. Others struggle too and have the same needs from surrounding family and friends to understand and "believe me." Really! Just believe me because I do not lie about the behaviors of my children to get attention for myself! (Rolling my eyes)

Since my in-laws are my biggest nay-sayers and don't stinking "get it" I can't wait to email this to them. Do I think they will get it then? Nope. Sure don't, but I'm going to email them anyways. They like to dish it so I am dishing back!

If you are struggling with meltdowns this Christmas season check out:

Managing Your Adoptee’s Meltdowns in Public and at Home: Just in Time for the Holidays!

 I am implementing and it is working more often than not.

We had a poop moment

I wondered if this day would eventually come and it has. Mr. Screech played in his poop when he was mad. I know a lot of adoptive families face this issue and I was REALLY hoping we would skip it. Sigh...

I brought Mr. Happy and Mr. Screech home from preschool and Mr. Screech was dancing around because he had to pee. He had stated he didn't go at preschool.

He started for the bathroom, but change his mind when Mr. Happy decided to show me his school papers. I told Mr. Screech to go to the bathroom and I would look at his papers when he was done. (I didn't want a pee accident.) He yelled for me telling me he had pooped and wanted his M&M's. I said I would be there in a minute. He started throwing a fit and the next thing I know he is hitting the toilet and going spastic. When I went in there poop was all over him and the toilet.

I wanted to yell, rant, and rave, but I knew it wouldn't help so I just told him calmly, "Little boys who play in their poop don't get M&M's." This of course made him more mad and he started screaming he wanted his M&M's NOW! Then I saw how much poo was in the toilet, the size if a pea, and I told him it wasn't enough for M&M's anyways. Then he calmed a little. OMG! Can I get an OH MY GROSS!!!

Thankfully, our therapist, Arleta James, has written two lovely blog posts about pee and poop and the adopted child. Here is blog Part 1 and Part 2

Mr. Screech has been fighting with me over EVERY. LITTLE. THING. this week. I say dinners ready and he gets mad and says he doesn't want to eat. I say we are going to the store and he gets mad and says he doesn't want to go. Just insert anything I say and he will say he doesn't want to do it. That is how my week is going. Sigh...